Reassessing

I have been a lazy pagan, there I said it and as much as I would like to have it otherwise, actually doing something about my beliefs has taken a back seat. Through my own fault and no one else's of course.

When I first found paganism, it was in that rebellious teenage stage where it all looked so 'new' and strange enough to be 'cool'. Religion had never been a big part of my life outside of school, being blanket Church of England never really stuck out for me. I tried to do the church group thing but it just felt like a place to go and play games rather than something iconically religious.

So I started with Wicca, thought it would be the path for me with all its rules and set list of accoutrements. Do this, don't do that, but it introduced me to the other aspects that sit under the paganism umbrella and all the other cultural pantheons and practises. By this time, perhaps 15/16, the idea of being a 'witch' was still the cool thing and I tried a few spells, small rituals here and there. I went through a period of touching on shamanism when everyone was raving about totem animals, even spent some time on a Therian forum board trying to decide if I fit in there. Although, while feline energy will always be a big part of my life and my spiritual energy, I don't believe that it 'means' what I thought it meant, or more importantly what I HOPED it meant.

I tried tarot and runes and focusing on the Lord and Lady and while I do believe that the world relies on the duality of the genders, that is more of a blanket truth, if you get my meaning. For me, that's got nothing to do with religion, it just is. When I feel the need I ask the Goddess for help because she covers a lot of ground, gods, entities, whatever you want to call it, and perhaps she acts more like the reassuring mother figure.

Even as I write this, I'm still uncomfortable using the word 'religion'. It comes with so many expectations and connotations that it sometimes smothers the beliefs. It's for this reason that I'm hesitant to classify myself as a Hellenist. I have had a connection with the Greek pantheon for as long as I can remember, I've just never...approached them as my one and only. I don't know if I can be strict with myself and say that the ancient ways, or the re constructionist view would be the one structure that I stick to.

I crave structure but want to be careful about restriction. If that makes any sense.

I think the Delphic Maxims and the ethics of Hellenismos are pretty easy to follow, most of them are common sense in life. And if I want to uphold piety then I have to make an effort to make a connection with the Theoi. Actually get off my butt and start giving them something so that I can work on that relationship.

I live at home at the moment, so space and privacy are issues and I am battling my hesitance over how openly to set up. My parents have never really done much with religion and thankfully, they are open and understanding but I'm still nervous about having to explain about the ever burning hearth light to Hestia, or the  food offering to Zeus Ktesios. Also, ancestor 'worship' has never been something that I have focused on before, though I see the sense behind it.

Despite my doubts, I want a base to come home to. Something real and regular so that I feel like I'm doing something with my life that the gods gave me.

That's my rambling for the day.